“Sometimes it’s like people are a million times more beautiful to you in your mind. It’s like you see them through a special lens — but maybe if it’s how you see them, that’s how they really are. It’s like the whole tree falling in the forest thing.” – Jenny Han
“In the dark you can feel really close to a person. You can say whatever you want.” – Jenny Han
“This moment between us, fragile and tenuous, snapped in half.” ― Jenny Han
“Why do you like to win so much?” I didn’t have an answer for that, except to say that winning was fun, and anyway, who didn’t like to win?” ― Jenny Han
“Jeremiah turned his head toward me and winked lazily. “See you soon.” ― Jenny Han
“You’re cooler than any other girl I’ve ever met, and you’re there for me. You’ve always been there for me. I… I can count on you. And you can count on me too. You know that.” ― Jenny Han
“Conrad gave me this look, the kind of look I bet soldiers give each other when they’re teaming up against somebody else. It was like we were in it together.” ― Jenny Han
“I loved this drive, this moment.” ― Jenny Han
“For a second or two I considered taking Clay’s beer. It would be my first. But then I’d only be doing it to spite Conrad, and I wasn’t going to let him control what I did.” ― Jenny Han
“Everything good, everything magical happens between the months of June and August. Winters are simply a time to count the weeks until the next summer.” ― Jenny Han
“winning was always important, and doubly so because I was a girl and was never expected to win anything.” ― Jenny Han
“It would do no good to wonder what he was going to say. Moments, when lost, can’t be found again. They’re just gone.” ― Jenny Han
“Before I could answer, Conrad said, “She’s fine, and now it’s time for bed. Good night, Belly.” ― Jenny Han
“So I lay there, sweating and sizzling like a piece of chicken on a grill.” ― Jenny Han
“His voice made me shiver, it was like the sound of water when it pulls off the sand.” ― Jenny Han
“Jeremiah watched, bemused, but I could tell he was alert, ready to jump in if he needed to.” ― Jenny Han
“Compared to you, everyone else is saltines. Even Cam. And I hate saltines. You know that.” ― Jenny Han
“He grinned at her which made me want to choke on my asparagus.” ― Jenny Han
“I wasn’t giving him permission to make me feel bad, not anymore.” ― Jenny Han
““You should head back up,” Jeremiah said, putting his beer down. “Your mom will kill you for drinking.” “Hello. I’m not drinking,” I reminded him. Clay offered me his Corona. “Here,” he said, winking. He seemed drunk. I hesitated, and Conrad snapped irritably, “Don’t give her that. She’s a kid, for God’s sake.” ― Jenny Han
“I wonder if this was the way old crushes died, with a whimper, slowly, and then, just like that – gone.” ― Jenny Han
“I can’t believe he even has to ask. I would go anywhere. ‘Yes’ I tell him. It feels like nothing else exists outside of this world, this moment. There’s just us. Everything that happened this past summer, and every summer before it, has all led up to this. To now” ― Jenny Han
“I felt like I had won the lottery from that one smile.” ― Jenny Han
““Conrad nodded imperceptibly. “Now go back to bed like a good girl.” ― Jenny Han
“Best friends are important. They’re the closest thing to a sister you’ll ever have.” – Jenny Han
“Would you rather live one perfect day over and over or live your life with no perfect days but just decent ones?” – Jenny Han
“When you walk on the beach at night, you can say things you can’t say in real life.” – Jenny Han
“Victory is a thousand times sweeter when you’re the underdog.” – Jenny Han
“Things couldn’t stay the same forever.” – Jenny Han
“I wondered if this was the way old crushes died, with a whimper, slowly, and then, just like that—gone.” – Jenny Han
“I love Conrad and I probably always would. I would spend my whole life loving him one way or another. Maybe I would get married, maybe I would have a family, but it wouldn’t matter, because a piece of my heart, the piece where summer lived, would always be Conrad’s.” – Jenny Han
“She and I were still friends, but not best friends, not like we used to be. But we were still friends. She’d known me my whole life. It’s hard to throw away history. It was like you were throwing away a part of yourself.” – Jenny Han
“For me, it was almost like winter didn’t count. Summer was what mattered. My whole life was measured in summers.” – Jenny Han
“It’s hard to throw away history. It was like you were throwing away a part of yourself.” – Jenny Han
“It was a summer I would never, ever forget. It was the summer everything began. Because for the first time, I felt it. Pretty, I mean. Every summer up to this one, I believed it’d be different. Life would be different. And that summer, it finally was.” – Jenny Han
“I had been lying to myself, thinking I was free, thinking I had let him go. It didn’t matter what he said or did, I’d never let him go.” – Jenny Han
“I say, ‘I can’t believe you’re really here.’ He sounds almost shy when he says, ‘Me neither.’ And then he hesitates. ‘Are you still coming with me?’ I cant believe he even has to ask. I would go anywhere. ‘Yes,’ I tell him. It feels like nothing else exists outside of that word, this moment. There’s just us. Everything that happened this past summer and every summer before it, has all led up to this. To Now.” – Jenny Han
“Everything good, everything magical happens between the months of June and August. Winters are simply a time to count the weeks until the next summer.” – Jenny Han
“On the way out Jeremiah turned around and danced a quick jig for me and I couldn’t help it, I laughed. Over his shoulder Conrad said, ‘Good night Belly.’ And that was it. I was in love.” – Jenny Han
“You just want to keep me on this hook, right? So I’ll keep chasing after you and you can feel good about yourself. As soon as I start to get over you, you just reel me back in. You’re so screwed up in the head. But I’m telling you, this is it. You don’t get to have me anymore. Not as your friend or your admirer or anything. I’m through.” – Jenny Han
“He pulled my foot, drawing me closer. Being this close to him was making me feel dizzy and nervous. I said it again, one last time, even though i didn’t mean it. ‘Conrad let go of me.’ He did. And then he dunked me. It didn’t matter. I was already holding my breath.” – Jenny Han
“The thing was, Jeremiah was right. I did love him. I knew the exact moment it became real too. Conrad got up early to make a special belated Father’s Day breakfast, only Mr. Fisher hadn’t been able to come down the night before. He wasn’t there the next morning the way he was supposed to be. Conrad cooked anyway, and he was thirteen and a terrible cook, but we all ate it. Watching him serving rubbery eggs and pretending not to be sad, I thought to myself, I will love this boy forever.” – Jenny Han
“I loved the feeling of talking and having somebody really listen to what I have to say. It was like a high or something.” – Jenny Han
“He made it so hard not to love him. When he was sweet like this, I remembered why I did. Used to love him, I mean. I remembered everything.” – Jenny Han
“Susannah continued. ‘If and when I go off slow dancing in the ever after, I don’t want to look like I’ve been stuck in a hospital room my whole life. I at least want to be tan.’” – Jenny Han
“We sat around the kitchen table picking off of foil-covered plates. Conrad kept sneaking looks at me, and every time I looked back, he looked away. I’m right here, I wanted to tell him. I’m still here.” – Jenny Han
“I wondered if it was possible to take someone’s pain away with a kiss. Because that was what I wanted to do, take all of his sadness and pour it out of him, comfort him, make the boy I knew come back.” – Jenny Han
“I’d never heard of them, but at that moment, it was the best song I’d ever heard. I went out and bought Ten and listened to it on repeat. When I listened to track five, ‘Black,’ it was like I was there, in that moment all over again. After the summer was over, when I got back home, I went to the music store and bought the sheet music and learned to play it on the piano. I thought one day I could accompany Conrad and we could be, like, a band.” – Jenny Han
“For Belly, Conrad is the sun. And when the sun comes out, the stars disappear.” – Jenny Han
“Moments, when lost, can’t be found again. They’re just gone.” – Jenny Han
“It’s the imperfections that make things beautiful.” – Jenny Han
“In the dark you can feel really close to a person. You can say whatever you want.” – Jenny Han
“I’d nursed a crush on Conrad for whole school years. I could survive for months, years, on a crush. It was like food. It could sustain me. If Conrad was mine, there was no way I’d break up with him over a summer – or a school year, for that matter.” – Jenny Han
“Sometimes it’s like people are a million times more beautiful to you in your mind. It’s like you see them through a special lens – but maybe if it’s how you see them, that’s how they really are.” -Belly” – Jenny Han
“I think I’m going to leave soon,” he said, finishing his water. He didn’t look at me when he said, “Do you need a ride?” “No,” I said. I tried to swallow my disappointment that he was leaving already. “I came with those guys over there.” I pointed at Conrad and Jeremiah. He nodded. “I figured, the way your brother kept looking over here.” I almost choked. “My brother? Who? Him?” I pointed at Conrad. He wasn’t looking at us. He was looking at a blond girl in a Red Sox cap, and she was looking right back. He was laughing, and he never laughed. “Yeah.” “He’s not my brother. He tries to act like he is, but he’s not,” I said. “He thinks he’s everybody’s big brother. It’s so patronizing…” – Jenny Han
“That night I lay in bed, thinking about how summer romances really do happen so fast, and then they’re over so fast. But the next morning, when I went to the deck to eat my toast, I found an empty water bottle on the steps that led down to the beach. Poland Spring, the kind Cam was always drinking. There was a piece of paper inside, a note. A message in a bottle. The ink was a little smeared, but I could still read what it said. It said, “IOU one skinny-dip.” – Jenny Han
“I just needed to be on the beach. The beach would make me feel better. Nothing, nothing felt better than the way sand felt beneath my feet. It was both solid and shifting, constant and ever-changing. It was summer” -Belly” – Jenny Han
“Sometimes it’s like people are a million times more beautiful to you in your mind. It’s like you see them, that’s how they really are.” – Jenny Han
“Do you know why I remembered you?” he asked me suddenly. It was a question so out of nowhere that it took me a little while to figure out what he was talking about. “You mean from Latin Convention?” “Yeah.” “Was it my Coliseum model?” I was only half-joking. Steven had helped me build it; it had been pretty impressive. “No.” Cam ran his hand through his hair. He wouldn’t look at me. “It’s because I thought you were really pretty. Like, maybe the prettiest girl I’d ever seen.” I laughed. In the car, it sounded really loud. “Yeah, right. Nice try, Sextus.” “I mean it,” he insisted, his voice rising. “You’re making that up.” I didn’t believe it could be true. I didn’t want to let myself believe it. With the boys any compliment like this would always be the first part of a joke. He shook his head, lips tight. He was offended that I didn’t believe him. I hadn’t meant to hurt his feelings. I just didn’t see how it could be true. It was almost mean of him to lie about it. I knew what I looked like back then, and I wasn’t the prettiest girl anybody had ever seen, not with my thick glasses and chubby cheeks and little-girl body. Cam looked me in the eyes then. “The first day, you wore a blue dress. It was, like, corduroy or something. It made your eyes look really blue.” “My eyes are gray,” I said. “Yes, but that dress made them look blue.” He looked so sweet, the way he watched me, waiting for my reaction. His cheeks were flushed peach. I swallowed hard and said, “Why didn’t you come up to me?” He shrugged. “You were always with your friends. I watched you that whole week, trying to get up the nerve. I couldn’t believe it when I saw you at the bonfire that night. Pretty bizarre, huh?” Cam laughed, but he sounded embarrassed. “Pretty bizarre,” I echoed. I couldn’t believe he’d noticed me. With Taylor by my side, who would have even bothered to look at me? “I almost messed up my Catullus speech on purpose, so you’d win,” he said, remembering. He inched a little closer to me. “I’m glad you didn’t,” I said. I reached out and touched his arm. My hand shook. “I wish you had come up to me.” That’s when he dipped his head low and kissed me. I didn’t let go of the door handle. All I could think was, I wish this had been my first kiss.” – Jenny Han
“Taylor and I are going to go to the boardwalk tonight. Will one of you guys drop us off?” Before my mother or Susannah could answer, Jeremiah said, “Ooh, the boardwalk. I think we should go to the boardwalk too.” Turning to Conrad and Steven, he added, “Right, guys?” Normally I would have been thrilled that any of them wanted to go somewhere I was going, but not this time. I knew it wasn’t for me. I looked at Taylor, who was suddenly busy cutting up her scallops into tiny bite-size pieces. She knew it was for her too. “The boardwalk sucks,” said Steven. Conrad said, “Not interested.” “Who invited you guys anyway?” I said. Steven rolled his eyes. “No one invites anyone to the boardwalk. You just go. It’s a free country.” “Is it a free country?” my mother mused. “I want you to really think about that statement, Steven. What about our civil liberties? Are we really free if-“ “Laurel, please,” Susannah said, shaking her head. “Let’s not talk politics at the dinner table.” “I don’t know of a better time for political discourse,” my mother said calmly.” – Jenny Han
“So I guess it’s okay with you if I smoke up too?” says Steven. “If you get breast cancer” – Jenny Han
“We were all pretty quiet until Jeremiah broke the silence like breaking the top of a crème brulee. He said, “This potato salad tastes like bad breath.” “I think that would be your upper lip,” Conrad said. We all laughed, and it felt like a relief. For it to be okay to laugh. To be something other than sad. Then Conrad said, “This rib has mold on it,” and we all started to laugh again. It felt like I hadn’t laughed in a long time. My mother rolled her eyes. “Would it kill you to eat a little mold? Just scrape it off. Give it to me. I’ll eat it.” Conrad put his hands up in surrender, and then he stabbed the rib with his fork and dropped it on my mother’s plate ceremoniously. “Enjoy it, Laurel.” “I swear, you spoil these boys, Beck,” my mother said, and everything felt normal, like any other last night. “Belly was raised on leftovers, weren’t you, bean?” “I was,” I agreed. “I was a neglected child who was fed only old food that nobody else wanted.” My mother suppressed a smile and pushed the potato salad toward me. “I do spoil them,” Susannah said, touching Conrad’s shoulder, Jeremiah’s cheek. “They’re angels. Why shouldn’t I?” The two boys looked at each other from across the table for a second. Then Conrad said, “I’m an angel. I would say Jere’s more of a cherub.” He reached out and tousled Jeremiah’s hair roughly. Jeremiah swatted his hand away. “He’s no angel. He’s the devil,” he said. It was like the fight had been erased. With boys it was like that; they fought and then it was over. My mother picked up Conrad’s rib, looked down at it, and then put it down again. “I can’t eat this,” she said, sighing.” – Jenny Han
“As I walked away, I heard the girl ask, “Is she your girlfriend?” I whirled around, and we both said “No!” at the same time. Confused, she said, “Well, is she your little sister?” like I wasn’t standing right there. Her perfume was heavy. It felt like it filled all the air around us, like we were breathing her in. “No, I’m not his little sister.” I hated this girl for being a witness to all this. It was humiliating. And she was pretty, in the same kind of way Taylor was pretty, which somehow made things worse. Conrad said, “Her mom is best friends with my mom.” So that was all I was to him? His mom’s friend’s daughter? I took a deep breath, and without even thinking, I said to the girl, “I’ve known Conrad my whole life. So let me be the one to tell you you’re barking up the wrong tree. Conrad will never love anyone as much as he loves himself, if you know what I mean-“ I lifted up my hand and wiggled my fingers. “Shut up, Belly,” Conrad warned. The tops of his ears were turning bright red. It was a low blow, but I didn’t care. He deserved it. Red Sox girl frowned. “What is she talking about, Conrad?” To her I blurted out, “Oh, I’m sorry, do you not know what the idiom ‘barking up the wrong tree’ means?” Her pretty face twisted. “You little skank,” she hissed. I could feel myself shrinking. I wished I could take it back. I’d never gotten into a fight with a girl before, or with anyone for that matter. Thankfully, Conrad broke in then and pointed to the bonfire. “Belly, go back over there, and wait for me to come get you,” he said harshly. That’s when Jeremiah ambled over. “Hey, hey, what’s going on?” he asked, smiling in his easy, goofy way. “Your brother is a jerk,” I said. “That’s what’s going on.” Jeremiah put his arm around me. He smelled like beer. “You guys play nice, you hear?” I shrugged out of his hold and said, “I am playing nice. Tell your brother to play nice.” “Wait, are you guys brother and sister too?” the girl asked. Conrad said, “Don’t even think about leaving with that guy.” “Con, chill out,” Jeremiah said. “She’s not leaving. Right, Belly?” He looked at me, and I pursed my lips and nodded. Then I gave Conrad the dirtiest look I could muster, and I shot one at the girl, too, when I was far enough away that she wouldn’t be able to reach out and grab me by the hair.” – Jenny Han
“It was so much better driving with the windows down. It felt like you were actually going somewhere.” – Jenny Han
“I can’t believe he even has to ask. I would go anywhere. “Yes,” I tell him. It feels like nothing else exists outside of that word, this moment. there’s just us. Everything has happened this past summer, and every summer before it, has all led up to this. To now.” – Jenny Han
“Victory is a thousand times sweeter when you’re the underdog.” -Belly” – Jenny Han
“I felt it a week before we left, every time. And then of course, when the time came, I was never ready to leave. I wanted to stay forever.” – Jenny Han
“Go faster,” I urged Steven, poking him in the shoulder. “Let’s pass that kid on the bike.” Steven shrugged me off. “Never touch the driver,” he said. “And take your dirty feet off my dashboard.” I wiggled my toes back and forth. They looked pretty clean to me. “It’s not your dashboard. It’s gonna be my car soon, you know.” “If you ever get your license,” he scoffed. “People like you shouldn’t even be allowed to drive.” “Hey, look,” I said, pointing out the window. “That guy in a wheelchair just lapped us!” Steven ignored me, and so I started to fiddle with the radio. One of my favorite things about going to the beach was the radio stations. I was as familiar with them as I was with the ones back home, and listening to Q94 made me just really know inside that I was there, at the beach. I found my favorite station, the one that played everything from pop to oldies to hip-hop. Tom Petty was singing “Free Fallin’.” I sang right along with him. “She’s a good girl, crazy ‘bout Elvis. Loves horses and her boyfriend too.” Steven reached over to switch stations, and I slapped his hand away. “Belly, your voice makes me want to run this car into the ocean.” He pretended to swerve right. I sang even louder, which woke up my mother, and she started to sing too. We both had terrible voices, and Steven shook his head in his disgusted Steven way. He hated being outnumbered.” – Jenny Han
“Sometimes it’s like people are a million times more beautiful to you in your mind.” – Jenny Han
“Son las imperfecciones las que hacen las cosas hermosas.” – Jenny Han
“Jeremiah came over after a while. He sat on the edge of my chair and drank from my thermos of Kool-Aid. “She’s pretty,” I said. “Who? Yolie?” He shrugged. “She’s nice. One of my many admirers.” “Ha!” “So what about you? Cam Cameron, huh? Cam the vegetarian. Cam the straight edge.” I tried not to smile. “So what? I like him.” “He’s kind of a dork.” “That’s what I like about him. He’s…different.” He frowned slightly. “Different from who?” “I don’t know.” But I did know. I knew exactly who he was different from. “You mean he’s not a dick like Conrad?” I laughed, and so did he. “Yeah, exactly. He’s nice.” “Just nice, huh?” “More than nice.” “So you’re over him, then? For real?” We both knew the “him” he was talking about. “Yes,” I told him. “We’ll see,” Jeremiah said, watching me closely – just like when he was trying to figure out what kind of hand I had in Uno. I took off my sunglasses and looked him in the eye. “It’s true. I’m over him.” “We’ll see,” Jeremiah said, standing up. “My break’s over. Are you okay over here? Wait around and I’ll drive us home. I can put your bike in the back.” I nodded, and watched him walk back to the lifeguard chair. Jeremiah was a good friend. He’d always been good to me, watched out for me.” – Jenny Han
“Catching him off guard felt like a good sign. He had a million walls. Maybe if I just started talking, he wouldn’t have time to build up a new one.” – Jenny Han
“The old pull, the tide drawing me back in. I kept getting caught in this current—first love, I mean. First love kept making me come back to this, to him. He still took my breath away, just being near him. I had been lying to myself the night before, thinking I was free, thinking I had let him go. It didn’t matter what he said or did, I’d never let him go.” – Jenny Han
“I envied their relationship. They were exactly like copilots, in perfect balance. I didn’t have that kind of friendship, the forever kind of friendship that will last your whole life through, no matter what.” – Jenny Han
“Sometimes it’s like people are a million times more beautiful to you in your mind.” – Jenny Han
“My whole life was measured in summers. Like I don’t really begin living until June, until I’m at that beach, in that house.” – Jenny Han
“Victory is a thousand times sweeter when you’re the underdog.” – Jenny Han
“Best friends are important. They’re the closest thing to a sister you’ll ever have.” – Jenny Han
“Summer was what mattered. My whole life was measured in summers. Like I don’t really begin living until June, until I’m at that beach.” – Jenny Han
“And in the end, he would become a memory, pressed in my heart like a leaf in my book.” – Jenny Han
“It was like coming home after you’d been gone a long, long time. It held a million promises of summer and of what just might be.” – Jenny Han
“The air tasted just the same, smelled just the same. The wind making my hair feel sticky, the salty sea breeze, all of it felt just right. Like it had been waiting for me to get there.” – Jenny Han
“I didn’t dare look at Conrad. I was afraid my love for him and my need for him to say yes would be written on my face like a poem.” – Jenny Han
“I could survive for months, years, on a crush.” – Jenny Han
“Sometimes it’s like people are a million times more beautiful to you in your mind. It’s like you see them through a special lens — but maybe if it’s how you see them,that’s how they really are.” – Jenny Han
“His eyes were these bleak and empty abysses, like sockets. There was nothing there. The boy I thought I knew so well was gone. He looked so lost sitting there. I felt that old lurch, that gravitational pull, that desire to inhabit him—like wherever he was in this world, I would know where to find him, and I would do it. I would find him and take him home. I would take care of him, just like Susannah wanted.” – Jenny Han
“He smiled at me, and that smile — he just gets in. His smile did it every time.” – Jenny Han
“Smirky mouths make you want to kiss them, to smooth them out and kiss the smirkiness away.” – Jenny Han
“I wished for Conrad on every birthday, every shooting star, every lost eyelash, every penny in a fountain was dedicated to the one I loved.” – Jenny Han
“Everybody had somebody but me.” – Jenny Han
“For me, it was almost like winter didn’t count. Summer was what mattered. My whole life was measured in summers. Like I don’t really begin living until June, until I’m at that beach, in that house” – Jenny Han
“Victory is ten times sweeter for the underdog.” – Jenny Han
“The brief walk–from the screened-in porch outside to the Hearse–was one of those moments he knew he’d remember and look back on, one of those moments that he’d try to capture in the stories he told. Nothing was happening, really, but the moment was thick with mattering.” – Jenny Han
“It occurred to me that I was going to have to make the most of this summer, really make it count, in case there wasn’t another one quite like it. I was getting older too. Things couldn’t stay the same forever.” – Jenny Han
“His voice made my shiver, it was like the sound f water when it pulls off sand.” – Jenny Han
“She’d known me my whole life. It’s hard to throw away history. It was like you were throwing a part of yourself.” – Jenny Han
“You forgot the straws,” I told him. He ripped the plastic off of the Twizzler box and bit the ends off of two Twizzlers. Then he put them in the cup. He grinned broadly. He looked so proud of himself. I’d forgotten all about our Twizzler straws. We used to do it all the time. We sipped out of the straws at the same time, like in a 1950s Coke commercial—heads bent, foreheads almost touching. I wondered if people thought we were on a date. Jeremiah looked at me, and he smiled in this familiar way, and suddenly I had this crazy thought. I thought, Jeremiah Fisher wants to kiss me. Which, was crazy. This was Jeremiah. He’d never looked at me like that, and as for me, Conrad was the one I liked, even when he was moody and inaccessible the way he was now. It had always been Conrad. I’d never seriously considered Jeremiah, not with Conrad standing there. And of course Jeremiah had never looked at me that way before either. I was his pal. His movie-watching partner, the girl he shared a bathroom with, shared secrets with. I wasn’t the girl he kissed.” – Jenny Han
“I thought he was kind of a dick too, but I didn’t say so. You’re not supposed to join in when someone is bashing his father.” ― Jenny Han
“I wished I could stay forever, in this moment. Like in one of those plastic snowballs, one little moment frozen in time.” ― Jenny Han
“Even paradise can be suffocating” ― Jenny Han
“I was as cool as a cucumber” ― Jenny Han
“My mother was good at that, making people feel normal. Safe. Like as long as she was there, nothing truly bad could happen.” ― Jenny Han
“It was a total catch-22, like a contradiction in terms.” ― Jenny Han
